Magical, Ruthless, & Stunning

Pine Island - Arden, WV

I forgot her birthday once. I called her but it was for something unrelated. Something I needed from her. Some way I needed her help. She answered my questions and gave me some guidance. She said, "Nothing else?" at the end of the call and I said, "Nope, I'm good, thank you!" And I could hear her start to cry on the other end of the line. I asked her what was wrong and she cried a little harder. After a few long seconds she said, "Today's my birthday, Carm." My heart sank into my gut and then I started to cry.

I remember so many wonderful things about her. Endless. But when I think of my actions towards her, it is so much easier to remember the moments that I failed her or hurt her. The moments where I knew I wasn't living up to the person she created, the person she poured energy and love into. Moments over which I might never forgive myself.

I remember when her kitty cat was hit by a car. She called me weeping. I was so cold to her. I couldn't understand how she could feel so many feelings over this animal. I hate to even type it, now I empathize with people experiencing the smallest losses. I know grief so well, I can see it, feel it. I know what it looks like. I know what it is shaped like. But then, I didn't know. I just didn't know yet. She couldn't understand how I could be so cold. She must have thought something was wrong with me, that I didn't understand the feelings she was having, the loss she was experiencing.

I still sometimes think she was taken from me just so the universe would teach me that lesson. The events happened so close together. They felt so related to one another. But I know. I know the universe isn't happening to just me. And whatever force is out there wouldn't have hurt all of these other people that loved her so much just to teach me. She wasn't just mine to lose. And it doesn't happen like that, it is more random and chaotic. More magical, ruthless, and stunning.